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The Lost Art of Seduction 

From pick-up lines to mainstream media sexualizing the word ‘seduction’ over the years, most genuine men and women are sick and tired of having their energy misinterpreted.

The history of seduction is more about leading someone, meeting their needs, and creating a fantasy. It’s about pleasure, not manipulation. However, most people are conditioned to believe that seduction is a line to be used or a technique to adopt. We have let society perverse its meaning to become synonymous with ill intention or sleaziness.

In light of that, I’ve found it helpful to coach clients on the true definition of seduction, so that they can reclaim it in their business and personal lives. With just a few minor adjustments, you can also use seduction as a powerful tool to develop more fulfilling relationships.

“Seduction requires confidence, self-control, and a desire to learn about people. It’s a tool to navigate and build rapport in modern relationships, not one meant to hurt others.”

We are often so focused on ourselves that we cannot even begin to think about a strategy that would seduce someone into a relationship of any kind, let alone one that is fulfilling long-term. It’s unfortunate to witness so many men and women guilty of destroying the very thing that they desire. We all want to be seduced, but rarely have awareness around these five common missteps that quash seduction: 

  1. No plan, Stan.

    Masterly seducers always plan. They are thoughtful about the chosen environment and take great care toward getting to know someone just well enough to pinpoint a suitable environment accordingly. It does not need to be an expensive venue, but it should be conducive for the purpose of the meeting, and whom you’re meeting with.

  2. Getting right down to business.

    Asking about work before asking how someone is doing is a seduction non-starter. It serves no one to treat conversations as a checklist agenda. Always begin with a personal question. A sincere ‘How are you?’ is enough. Building personal rapport leads to ample opportunity for more data collection later. Both are required to form long term relationships.

  3. Quality time overload.

    Genuine connections are nurtured slowly and thoughtfully over time – not in a tidal wave over a single weekend in which you pour every detail of your life, and reveal all your bodily secrets to a relative stranger in 72 hours. In short, spending too much time with a person whom you’ve just met is not seduction savvy.

    Related, do not spend 30 minutes with someone at a networking event if you would be better served meeting many people. Similarly, do not sacrifice your life for a date you are not sure is going anywhere. When you spend too much time with someone, chemistry often dies before it’s really had a chance to even begin. Why not leave some things to the imagination? It is, in many ways, in our imagination that the first feelings of love spark. Set boundaries. You should be qualifying people into your network, rather than chasing them to be in yours.

    The only way seduction renders itself successful long-term is when it is employed with authenticity and good intention. Someone who truly embodies what it means to be seductive in this way can say and do almost anything, and still charm the socks off who they are with.”

  4. Fantasizing the spark.

    A spark is just a spark. In contrary to Hollywood’s portrayal of romance, sparks do not qualify someone as being ‘right’ for you. If you skip past the seductive process, you will qualify someone into your life who is not supposed to be there. 

  5. You are my life!

    Quite a few professional matchmakers don’t start introducing clients to matches until they’ve first worked with the client to develop a fulfilling life for themselves, completely external to the dating process. Why? Relationships require space as well as closeness – especially in the long term. Having your own personal hobbies, interests, and passions makes you not only much more desirable, but also, a healthier, happier partner for your loved one (and yourself!). It’s these very things that make you who you are – do not neglect them!

What does seduction mean to you?

Considering its depth, I would not recommend asking this question on a first date. That said, asking: ‘what does seduction mean to you?’ has a place in budding relationships, most appropriate from the 3rd date forward. And upon asking, listen. Their response will tell you a lot about how they view connection and sensuality, as well as give you a glance into their value system. And of course, as with any question you ask, you’d better be prepared to have an answer for it yourself!

Alyssa Bunn
Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify and Founder of Love & Co

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