Tawkify Favorites

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on linkedin
Share on email
Share on print

In a World of “Maybes” I want a “No”

Love tug-of-war. It's no fun at all

And, apparently it's top of mind, because I have received at least 10 questions via the ask page similar to Dee's in the last month. This got me thinking...and reading. And the conclusion I came to...

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on linkedin
Share on email
Share on print

Q: “A man that I am extremely attracted to has been flirty, then distant, flirty than distant. I told him how much I would like to get to know him and he told me he will reach out when he’s ready. I’m heart broken! Not sure if I should take that as good bye. So confused!” — Dee T.


Love tug-of-war. It’s no fun at all

And, apparently it’s top of mind, because I have received 8 questions via the ask page similar to Dee’s in the last month. This got me thinking…and reading. And the conclusion I came to?

Maybe hurts a heck of a lot more than no

Eve Blazo, head of the Emissary Team at Tawkify, suggested I check out Meriam Raouf’s Thought Catalog article on the subject — and it turns out Raouf concurs. 

“In those years, the maybes of men grow more and more exhausting. Eventually you realize that you can just be alone. It gets less scary, but more importantly, the alternative, the maybes, suck. That their maybes are a lukewarm shower. You learn the pain of lukewarm. Of guys or girls that kind of want to see you but keep you on hold while they weigh their options. You learn that maybe hurts more than no.”

To clarify, this applies to both men and women. Men say maybe. Women say maybe. We all say maybe. 

So, where do we go from here? Obviously, we can limit our use of maybe. We now know that it hurts people — so just be clear, why don’t ya! Do you like lukewarm showers? 

However, not everyone you date will read this article. Maybe they don’t know the damage of a maybe. In those cases, I make one argument.  

Nobody has time for that! 

The next time someone tells you maybe, consider it a no and move on. 

Don’t you want to be someone’s “yes!”?

I also heard from Jack via the ask page on this topic. He shared about an on-and-off romance with a childhood friend. Over the last 15 years, Jack’s friend has initiated a relationship and then retreated abruptly after a certain intimacy was reached. Upon retreat, she always expressed a maybe for the future. Another reader, Elizabeth, submitted a shockingly similar tale as well. 

There are a host of reasons why someone might say maybe, instead of no. However, in these cases I believe the cause is truly insurmountable.

It’s called Commitment Phobia.

There is nothing you can do to make a relationship work with someone who doesn’t actually want a relationship (consciously or subconsciously). Retreating immediately after intimacy (sex and/or emotional closeness) is classic commitment-phobe behavior. If you are hearing “maybes” from someone who exhibits any of these indicators, run for the hills. 

Sidenote: This is not to say that everyone who says “maybe” to you is a commitment-phobe. It’s also possible (of course) that they’re dating multiple people and not feeling those monogamy sparks with you.

Either way, maybe maybe should be taken as a no. 

Choose to date people who are psychologically prepared to be a loving, consistent partner for you. You know that phrase love is pain. I don’t think that’s true. Love should be shared and enduring. You should feel like you can depend on those you love. 

And the one thing I know for certain – you can’t depend on maybe

Love Wisely, 

Valerie Presley Ackler
Editor, Heartalytics

Subscribe to
our newsletter

    Popular Posts

    5 Ways to Win An Argument In A Relationship

    It’s happened– your Springtime in Paris new relationship has hit a significant bump in the road. You’re feeling the urge to say something 180 degrees from “you’re just so perfect and amazing” to your new love interest. Congratulations– this is your first opportunity for a growth power-up!

    Quell the impulse to text “We need to talk.” If you’ve already typed it in, with your thumb hovering above “send,” aim for “delete” instead. No one wants to read that; no one wants to be forewarned of impending doom unless they’re watching a movie. You’ll only succeed in spurring the imminent arsenal of defense…

    Read More

    GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU AM: “Love Again” by Run The Jewels

    The other week, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine who is a new father – we’ll call him Cronus – and we were talking about parental instinct. He lowered his voice conspiratorially, considered the infant in his lap and said, “Sometimes I love my baby so much that I want to eat him. Is that normal?” 

    Turns out, it’s not just normal–it’s science! Olfactory chemical signals–the smells of newborn babies have been linked to dopamine spikes in the brains of new mothers, essentially triggering the same neurological reward circuit activated when a very hungry person eats, or when a heroin addict shoots up…

    Read More

    5 Ways to Avoid the Cliff of Contemporary Dating

    I have a friend who dates online… a lot. You could say she’s popular. She gets out again and again because she’s fabulous–which is obvious, even through a screen. Yet she arrives each time preloaded with every personal detail about her date–their hometown, full legal name, and family history–often even their annual income and whether or not they rent or own. IT IS RIDICULOUS. The internet is a fantastic tool for writing a thesis, but should it be used to compose a 15-page, pre-introduction memoir on a potential romantic interest’s life story?…

    Read More