Matchmaker Says: Is Confidence Key?

Art:Frederik Niemann

Art: Frederik Niemann

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.

Do you agree with Helen Keller?

Reader’s Digest asked us if confidence really was key in romantic pursuits. Tawkify’s matchmakers met the challenge with differing views and intriguing insights!

Matchmaker Jazzy Blossom

Healthy self-esteem, or confidence, is knowing that if things don’t work out, it wasn’t because of you, it was because the relationship simply wasn’t right. Confident people don’t waste energy analyzing body language, if they said or did something wrong. Rather, they trust if there was or was not a love connection — and are able to move forward unbound by the ‘what could have been?’ syndrome if there wasn’t. This ability is vital to the dating process. 

So, it’s important… how does one fortify confidence?

Practicing mindfulness and gentle self awareness is critical in building your confidence — not just in dating, but in your whole life! The more aware you are of how you think, feel and respond to choices and realities in your life, the more grounded you are in your authentic self. When we know who we are and are unapologetically ourselves (within reason, this by no means discounts respect for others) we are magnetic, attractive and dare I say, glowing. 

Are there any drawbacks? 

Over-confidence should not be confused with true confidence.

The old ‘fake it ’til you make it’ technique can work, but more often than not, I see clients fall backwards into a deeper spiral of self criticism. Most people have or will (at some point) go out with someone faking their self esteem. You know the type — they boast their resume, name drop, and are overly consumed with their status. This my friends, is not true confidence. Rather than being critical of this feather-puffing, be confident in yourself and don’t make it about the other person. Ultimately, if that’s not your thing, then the relationship isn’t right. 

Matchmaker Marissa Brun:

Confidence is essential to successful dating because it allows one to put their best self forward. Someone with confidence takes more risks and is generally more present while connecting with others (as they are not fixated on their own insecurities). 

If this doesn’t come naturally to you, I recommend telling yourself affirmations everyday. Fill your life with positive people, and take care of yourself through eating right and exercising. When we treat ourselves well it is easier for us to see our value. I believe that confidence begins with our own encouragement and belief that we can do whatever we set out to do.

I think people (perhaps women especially) get caught up in worrying about what their date will think about them and get lost in that uncertainty. It doesn’t matter what shirt you are wearing or if your hair isn’t perfect… if you believe you are worth getting to know, your date will also see your value. Be yourself and let your best qualities shine. Most won’t remember the outfit you wore, but they will remember the joke you told, your smile, your kindness.

Matchmaker Nada Rifai:

Confidence is key to successful dating. 

For starters, confidence (simply stated) is when you like and respect yourself. If you convey that, others will follow. No genuine, healthy human being wants to date a doormat or someone who does not love his or herself – after all, if you don’t think you’re worth loving, why should the other person think so?

Confidence conveys strength — and as humans we are biologically engineered to seek out the strongest mate with which to build our nest.

Plain and simple, it is Darwinistic survival on a cellular level. Confidence is equated with desirability. Even if you are not a compatible match on other levels, confidence will instinctually trigger your date to want to explore who you are for potential. 

As for practical ways to date with confidence, my first and best recommendation is to work with a dating coach. A dating coach will take the time to get to know you and where your expression of confidence is weak versus strong. There are certain practices that convey confidence on a date from posture, to vocal tone, drink and food order choices, to passive versus assertive sentence structure in conversation, to the kind of questions you ask and how you answer the ones you are asked in return, the outfit you’ve chosen to wear, or your choice of makeup.

If you cannot afford a dating coach, do some internet research to try to identify your weaknesses and strengths. It’s always easier to work with someone that can be objective, but if you cannot afford a coach, I would recommend doing the research and taking a friend on a mock date so that they can critique you based on the metrics you’ve researched. 

And now, I’ll speak directly to our female readers. In our culture (generally speaking), women have been socially engineered to sit in the back seat. It’s easy to forget that we know how to drive. I’m always telling my clients, “This is your life. Be the driver, not the passenger.” Women often get nervous about choosing the date location, they fail to share information about themselves if not prompted by the date. They accept second dates with people whom they had a terrible first date with because “there’s no other option.” Women hesitate to be the first to approach, they overuse the phrase “I’m sorry,” opt to eat small meals or not at all on a dinner date. If they have a great time, they don’t follow up to directly ask the person for a second date — and they often still expect for the date to pay the tab. All of these things are wrong (in my opinion). 

Here’s what I can tell you: Have fun choosing the location, your date will thank you for it! Share information about yourself, you are unique and there is no one else like you in the world! If your date fails to ask you questions about yourself or show genuine interest in who you are – move on without apology. If you had a terrible first date with someone, why do you expect the second date to be good? Move on and don’t look back. Does it feel like you are failing?

Then learn to fail with grace.

There is honor in that, and you owe it to yourself. You see someone you want? Don’t wait for him to approach you — be the driver, you are in control of your own destiny. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Men want to feel desired, too. And stop apologizing — you did nothing wrong. Eat hearty food, and offer to share it with your date. Every culture uses food as a relationship builder, it creates bonds. If you want a second date, don’t wait for him to text you and ask. Go get him, girl. You’re in the driver seat. And if you want to be seen as the equal independent woman that you are, expect to pay your half of the tab. Anyone can buy you dinner, but not just anyone will adore you like treasure. 

Matchmaker Danielle Koval:

We’ve all been there. Sweaty hands, butterflies in the stomach and feelings of insecurity washing over us. Yes, a first date can be riddled with emotions and vulnerability, but often times we forget the sexiest thing we can wear for a date — confidence.

Confidence is what makes us thrive in new and exciting circumstances. Any athlete will tell you that confidence helps them get into their stride for better performance. Dating is the same way! So many times my clients have wondered why they didn’t feel a connection on a first date. Often times, we let the negative feelings about ourselves outweigh the great ones. It is important to remember you are worth getting to know! Your date is with you for a reason.

A date isn’t a job interview, and you are not there to impress, you are there to make a connection. I always tell my clients to make a list of the 10 qualities that make them special, unique and wonderful. Focus on what you are bringing to the table and why you are worth getting to know.

Nothing comes from comparing oneself to others. Thoughts like: Why would he/she be with me with all of my flaws? are pointless and damaging. Instead, focus on your tribe, your family, your friends. They all love you, it’s time to follow suit! Having insecurities is what makes us human… and while it’s normal, let your confidence shine through them! Put on that favorite outfit, listen to uplifting music and get out there.

So, it’s decided…

Confidence is key.

Don’s miss the 2nd installment on this topic — where Alyssa Bunn provides 5 tenets to improve confidence (among other essential tips). You’ll also hear from Matchmakers Jennifer Magana, Melissa Rogers and Brooke Bergman!

Get Started Toward Your Last First Date

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