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Ask Aly: “How To Get My Groove Back”


While reading In My Own Way: Backward…

I felt a kismet connection! It was as if you were psychically reading my last 15 years! Yes that’s how long it’s been since I dated. At first it was the fear of being hurt which turned into work and friends. That was enough for me. Now I feel stuck. I forgot how to flirt, talk up men. I know my weaknesses, but how do I overcome them? Are there classes to get your groove back?

Elena, Tawkify Client, San Francisco

“The groove is so mysterious. We’re born with it and we lose it and the world seems to split apart before our eyes. When we get it back, the world unifies around us.”

Groove is that intangible thing…a quality we all want, sometimes possess, and without realizing it, can let slip away. Elena, we don’t offer a class, but we do have Matchmaker Alyssa Bunn, our go-to groove girl and author of the Ask Aly Heartalytics column. Alyssa says getting one’s groove back starts with…

GET GOING: Experience is more important than being told, so get going!

Flirting is about playing with possibility, not going in for the kill. Reconnect with playfulness. Smile, offer a genuine compliment, practice making others feel like the person you’d want to meet. Aim for most to like you, few to dislike you, and none to be disinterested. It starts with that first hi.

CONFIDENCE: Confidence is groove.

The single greatest asset you have when it comes to dating is confidence. Without it, you will accept unacceptable behavior, waste time in dead-end relationships, and feel pessimistic about your odds at finding and keeping lasting love. As single people across the world know, most of the variables in love are completely out of your control, but confidence isn’t one of those things. You absolutely, without question, have the ability to build and exhibit genuine confidence.

“Confidence is a mindset, make it work in your favor.”

Editor’s Note: Does confidence require perfection? Heck no! Alyssa says:

Perfect is subjective. It’s not in your control, because it doesn’t exist—so ditch it. With a world full of edits, plastic, and materialism, authenticity and asymmetry are seen as the new nose job.

FIND YOUR PURPOSE: No one else can find it for you.

When you’re more certain about who you are and what you’re interested in, it leaves little room for doubt. Believing in your value breeds confidence, and confidence is undoubtedly the key to success in dating. So find what you’re silently drawn to. What brings you joy? Go do that. Soon enough, someone will come along and stick.

FOCUS ON YOU FIRST: How do you feel, what do you want?

The central question of romance is not “Does this person like me?” but “Do I like this person?” It’s so rare to have a true connection with someone who likes you, who you like back. If it’s always THEM THEM THEM, do you have any idea how you are showing up, if you are showing up? Fear of rejection, fear of loss, fear of not being liked, these are all major saboteurs of connection. Know that by being anything less than secure with who you are and what you want, you are putting yourself at a serious disadvantage.

“Work on it.”

The thing about relationships is that finding one is totally out of our control. It happens when it happens—a strange confluence of luck, experience, and timing mixed with an open heart, open mind, and a wee bit of magic. The time we spend yearning for that perfect person is time better spent expanding our own spirits.

BE REALISTIC: The whole ride won’t be a fairy tale.

Expectations are everything, so set them accordingly. Think realistically. Realistically, you will meet people who are odd, selfish, and emotionally unavailable. Realistically, you may have to go out with more people than you think before you find one you’d like to keep around. If this is all predictable, it shouldn’t take a personal toll.


What we think, we become. Our thoughts are fuel. They travel to the heart, they become our character, they guide our responses, they dictate the direction of our lives. Heavy, but true. Mind your mind. Mind the messages you send yourself. A challenging, but completely doable task.

Editor’s Note: In that same vein, Matchmaker Jennifer Magana reminds us that:

Fear is a choice. Confidence is a choice. Words spoken have and hold power. Own your power with Power Words. Jot down positive words about yourself in a favorite journal. These are words that inspire, empower and move you. Now, say out loud, your name and then say “I am” before each word. For example, I would say, “Jennifer Magana, I AM AMAZING!” The Power of I AM positive mantras help empower confidence in yourself.

We can be our biggest critics, even our worst enemies. At times, the focus may lean toward everything being wrong versus what is right. Fear and worry go hand in hand. At this point, self-sabotage kicks in and that beautiful inner pilot light gets smaller and smaller. Take control! The divinity of owning your power and owning your beauty has arrived. Just as Sheryl Sandberg said, Lean In and Sit at the Table; it’s time to have that cocktail meet-up and cup-of-joe!

Reclaim that groove, Elena!

Alyssa Bunn
Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify and Founder of Love & Co.

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