Art by Joe Webb
Lauren Korshak launched her series, Secrets of a Matchmaker, last week. If you missed it, catch the introduction, here.
Secret #1: The Power of Trust Building
Matchmaking cannot be approached like most other professions. I am dealing directly with people’s emotional lives — offering tender hearts up to another human being for evaluation. This undertaking is intimate, and can inherently cause some amount of discomfort, if not pain. People’s emotions and hearts do not respond well to the same direct energetic approach that is required when doing other job tasks. Things like fixing a door, constructing a building, engineering a new app, or balancing a bank sheet require direct focus and evaluation; but in these tasks people are not exposing their hearts to the greatest risk there is — the risk of rejection, the feeling of being unwanted. In walking this fine line of having to execute a job, but also holding peoples’ hearts with kind gloves — I recognized the importance of trust in the relationship between myself and my client, and how this same trust can be built and developed directly between individuals who are out there dating.
When we feel safe and trusting in a relationship, we can show up as our best selves (and also sometimes our worst selves, but let’s focus on the former). In matchmaking, if clients’ don’t trust you, they may not even go on a date you’ve planned. Even if a distrusting client goes on a date, less fun will be had, as that client lacks faith in your ability to truly understand them. This is a lousy situation for both parties. If there is shared trust, a client goes into the date with a confident, positive outlook. This is the goal. If my clients’ trust me, they know I will be there after every date, ready to support and readjust if needed.
In dating (and perhaps in all aspects of life), we often like the people most, who we also feel we can trust. Some posses a natural ability to cultivate trust — and the trust factor is attractive. Not just in dating, but also in friendships and in business. So how can we apply this paragon to our dating lives?
I suggest that daters put themselves in the trust builder’s seat.
Think of yourself as a person who can build trust, recognize the importance of trust in a relationship, and work to build a foundation of trust with the person you are dating — instead of perseverating on whether you can trust them.
Ask yourself: what can I do to nurture trust in this relationship? Master this and you will attract good things (and good people) — and not just attract, but also foster more pleasing and positive interactions for both parties.
See you next week on Secrets Of A Matchmaker: Secret #2.
Lauren Korshak
Therapist + Dating Coach + Matchmaker
