Secrets Of A Matchmaker: Secret #9

Art: Alan Fletcher

Art: Alan Fletcher

If you’re new to Heartalytics — Matchmaker and Somatic Psychologist, Lauren Korshak, kicked off her Secrets of a Matchmaker series at the beginning of December. If you missed Secret #1, catch up here.

Secret #9: Emotional congruence

The Way to a Anyone’s Heart is Not Through Their Stomach.

You’ve probably never heard the term, emotional congruence, so now is the time to bookmark it in your personal growth memory bank. Emotional congruence is an important attribute to strive for if you want to have healthy relationships and a simpler dating life. 

Simply put, emotional congruence is when the words we are expressing match the feeling quality of our emotions.

You might ask – why would someone suppress their emotions instead of expressing them? Sometimes, we get the idea that our emotions are not okay – we feel our anger might ruin a relationship or lead another person to leave us or not like us, or our sadness might bring people down. I’ll admit, there are times when we must temporarily suspend an emotions so that we can get through our day. But the impact of doing this on a regular basis is detrimental to ourselves and palpable to others. It’s vitally important to take time to acknowledge and express our feelings.

We’ve all experienced moments where someone says something that completely contradicts their body language or tone of voice. Usually this leads the receiver to feelings of confusion, betrayal, deception, or anger. A person who is acting emotionally incongruent might say “I’m not mad” but have an angry look on their face, and then leave the conversation and start actively avoiding you. I’ll leave you to imagine how that feels. 

A person who is acting with emotional congruence would be able to say “I’m angry,” explain why or express that they might need some time before talking.

If it’s not already obvious why this is so important in relationships, let me hammer this one home… The only way to have an actual relationship or to “relate” to someone is if they are present, available, and accessible (and vice versa). Otherwise, you are simply playing games. Of course, no one is perfect, and we all might slip into these adverse behaviors at various times, but it’s important to be able to recognize when it happens and to call a spade a spade. 

If you want to deepen into an experience of love and connection in your dating life (or, even your existing relationships) remember these words from the Talmud: 

“Words from the heart enter the heart.”

To truly connect with another’s heart, we must not be afraid to express the emotions that live within our own heart. We cannot pick and choose what emotions arise in us, we can simply express them. And that, not food, is the way to a anyone’s heart.

Love Lesson:

  1. Notice when you are emotionally congruent or incongruent.
  2. Each night this week, take a few minutes to journal or write a note about moments you were emotionally incongruent. Next to the moment, write what you could have said to create emotional congruence between your words and actions.

Good luck out there & See you next month on Secrets Of A Matchmaker: Secret #10.

Lauren Korshak
Therapist + Dating Coach + Matchmaker

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