Why Confidence is Attractive (& More Important than Looks)

I am quite sure we have all met an outwardly beautiful person, who became less attractive, in our opinion, if their personality was unpleasant, unkind, or toxic. Just as a person we hadn’t really noticed at first became alluring if they were charismatic and exuded confidence. Have you ever seen a handsome guy or girl with a less attractive partner and thought, “What does he see in her?” It’s her personality that is highly appealing; because confidence is attractive.  

The catch 22 of attraction is the more importance you put on how you look, the less likely you are to be attractive. Because your thoughts create your feelings. When you look in the mirror and think unkind thoughts about yourself, that is your core belief about you. If you don’t fully love you, no one else can.

Absolutely no one is out of your league, unless you believe they are. You are the only person holding you back. One of my favorite coaching clients was a guy who believed he was too short at 5’4” to get girls. But that wasn’t his problem. He wasn’t giving girls a chance to like him because he had already decided for them that he was unattractive — which made him unattractive. You are what you think you are. 

The only thing you need to change is your thinking 

He ultimately said, “I’ve spent so much of my life telling myself I’m too short for the girls I really want, and you know what, that attitude and that attitude alone was what was stopping me.”

When he stopped limiting his beliefs about what he could accomplish, his energy shifted, and people noticed. He said, “Last week I met a gorgeous 6’2” girl, and when I asked her out she said I was too short for her. I replied calmly saying, I love sexy tall women and she should give me her number anyway. She did. Last night I took her out for drinks and then took her home!

It was so easy. She didn’t really care that I was short. After sex she told me I was indeed the shortest guy she’d been with, but she loved how confident I was, and when I replied calmly and honestly (rather than some reactionary aggressive line) she thought she’d give me a chance. She said that in the past she found short guys to be lacking confidence and sometimes trying to compensate and that’s what initially put her off rather than the actual height, which she didn’t care about, at all!”The truth is confidence is sexier than looks. 

Dating is about choices

The key to finding a lasting relationship is who you are, not what you look like. The most important choice to make in dating is to love yourself most. Your internal dialog, what you say to yourself, needs to always be supportive and accepting, just as you talk to your best friend. Your core belief about you, your identity, is a choice; and you need to choose to believe you are sexy, desirable, and lovable—faults and all.   

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and truly is in the eye of the beholder. Your perception is your reality; however, perception is changeable. Choose to embrace the things you cannot change and change the things you can change without surgery. Become your best self. Getting your body in physical shape has significantly better effects than just improving your appearance. Exercise produces endorphins that help you feel great. It’s good for your health too. 

Most importantly, don’t assume you know what anyone else’s perception is. Just as my client did in the above story, by changing your negative feelings to positive acceptance of yourself, you become more attractive. Confidence is key.

Confidence is humble, not arrogant

However, you can’t fake it. Anything you say that is forced or unnatural is transparent, even if it’s true. It’s not about how to look confident, you have to be confident. Confidence and self-esteem are not the same thing. Confidence is your belief in your ability to do something. Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself. But they are connected, if you base your feelings of your worth on your competence, then if you fail you have no worth. I have met a lot of highly successful people who have tremendous self-confidence, but low self-esteem. It causes them to appear arrogant or full of themselves when they’re really just insecure and afraid to reveal their true self.   

Yet I once met a man at a cocktail party and our conversation found its way to the topic of cars.  I’m a car enthusiast and ended up going on quite a bit about my love for Porsches. He asked if he could take me out and then came to pick me up in his Porsche. I was blown away! I said, “You let me go on and on about how much I love Porsches and you never said you had one?” He smiled and very confidently said, “I was hoping you’d let me show you.” That is exactly my point. 

It is much sexier when people discover interesting things about you than if you tell them. It’s perceived as egotistical or bragging if you tell someone how great you are. However, if you just be you, and assume your date will like you because your confidence is sexy, then you can focus on finding out who your date is and if you like them.

Chemistry is overrated 

Everybody thinks they want a “hot” partner who they can’t get enough of. But that’s why most relationships only last three to six months. As you get to know each other, that chemistry usually wears off if your personalities don’t click. Conversely, when you connect on more than physical appearance then chemistry continues to grow. I think you should look for your best friend, then flirt like crazy till you can’t keep your hands off each other. Your commonality will make it last. 

If you watched Sex & The City, which was written based on real life stories, Charlotte married the handsome socialite she thought she wanted, but then ended up feeling miserable. She then married the bald guy who didn’t fit her preconceived desires and finally found the happiness she truly wanted.

It’s supposed to be easy

When two people like each other they want to spend time together. It’s easy. My client stopped trying to force it and found it easy to connect with a girl he had previously believed was out of his league. 

Studies have shown that it’s easier to like someone if you know they like you. So be brave when you meet someone you enjoy being with and flirt! Make eye contact, ask questions, and actively listen to keep your thoughts present. Don’t retreat into your head to evaluate what you just said, or what you should say next. That makes you appear uninterested. Love yourself enough to trust that you’re interesting. Try not to put any expectations on the outcome, just keep it light and friendly and go with the flow. 

I promise you, when you truly believe you’re a catch, that’s when you’ll attract the love of your life. Nothing changes if nothing changes. But all you really need to change is your thinking. The key is to decide confidence is more important than looks.