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It’s not uncommon to fall into a pattern of overthinking and rumination. Many of us will, and do, when what’s on the line matters to us, relationally and otherwise. Still, many of us also recognize the fine line between the sharpened focus of a problem-solving mindset and the stuck feeling we experience when we think and overthink towards no useful solution. Here, we look at how relinquishing intrusive thoughts can free you up to be present for the very real joys of your relationship.
For those guilty of the occasional spell of overthinking, start by forgiving yourself. Originally an adaptive trait, overthinking only crosses over into maladaptive territory when it no longer serves our needs–namely, that of problem solving. But still, why, given the obvious disadvantages, is it so easy to fall into the trap of overthinking.
The sources of overthinking are not singular, but plural, with common roots in stress-causing incidents. As a built-in focuser, stress allows us to rein our otherwise diffuse thoughts and feelings in, while canceling out the noise of daily life. But this generally advantageous feature of stress has its excesses, too, and that’s where overthinking comes in. There’s a point past which instead of thinking towards a resolution, we think out of patterned habit, because we’ve grown accustomed to it. This is when we can safely apply the term overthinking.
Relationship baggage is real. Even with a clean slate, we tend to superimpose anxious concerns and fears picked up in past relationships on new relationships, despite no signs to suggest reasonable concern. These carryover insecurities, based in the fear that one bad experience will replicate itself across our future relationships, can hamper our enjoyment of a good thing. Hence why we’re often eager to confront them.
Identifying overthinking presents a complex proposition, given that the majority of its indicators exist on a spectrum. Take reassurance: We can agree, by and large, that authentic reassurance from a partner can buoy us up, providing a bump to self-esteem. Yet, relying on reassurance from your partner helplessly, as a crutch, can warp the healthy norm.
Our knack for seeing past the surface of social interaction through accurate intuition helps us read into and through the subvocal cues of social life. But we don’t want to abuse that handy utility. Reading into every interaction, apart from removing you from the moment, sets you up for overthinking, especially when “reading into” shades into projecting.
An offshoot of overthinking, living inside our heads robs us of the joys of the present. As an antidote to overthinking, Eastern meditation practices have preached the benefits of immersing oneself in the present for centuries, and many therapists will echo that ancient wisdom today. Simply making a habit of checking in with your awareness can promote remarkable improvements in your capacity to live in and enjoy the present moment.
When an adaptive level of reflection strays into overthinking can be hard to gauge. One way is to ask yourself: Does a spell of thought grant relief, or plunge me further into anxiety and stress? If the latter, you may be guilty of causing yourself undue angst by overthinking. Aside from being bad for your health, stewing in unrelieved stress for long periods of time helps no one.
As a state of elevated negative affect stress tends to seek speedy relief, expelling itself into the most available outlet, usually your partner. Because overthinking involves chewing on an unpleasant thought for some time before airing it, your partner may struggle to catch up, so to speak, to where you are. They’re likely to feel blindsided, on account of being preoccupied with other things, work challenges, or what have you.
The good news is, once you’ve begun to recognize a tendency to overthink, you’re halfway there. Much of the problem with overthinking concerns our obliviousness to the fact of even doing it at all. Cultivating a habit of mindfulness, immersion in the present tense, and scheduling increments throughout the day for self check-ins are all good starts to interrupting chronic overthinking.
After dealing with the problem internally, you’ll want to restore your relationship to its contented status quo ante, before trust concerns crept in. Do this by confronting and, ultimately, letting go of the false belief that your worst fears have a basis in reality. As you extinguish your fears, your habit of ruminating should die down, too.
To counteract dwelling, acclimate yourself to proactive communication. Express openly any concerns you have, and encourage your partner to do the same. You want the value of effective communications to be mutually agreed upon and shared.
Not everyone will identify with the word “vulnerable,” but part of overthinking arises with an overextended urge to control, which we can understand as seeking to limit vulnerability. Reconcile yourself to letting go by parting with an overdeveloped control reflex, and begin to re-conceive your partnership as just that, a team not of one, but two.
So much of happiness in relationships is a matter of reorienting our mindset, away from the bad and towards the good. Though you may feel the urge to plunge back into your old habits, see if you can’t replace them with healthier alternatives, like reaching out thoughtfully to your partner. You may find initiating a positive feedback loop provides the reassurance you’re implicitly craving in place of having to seek it out in more explicit ways.
For those who suffer from overthinking, the familiarity of unhealthy thoughts patterns reflects a past we’d like to leave behind us. That’s where Tawkify, a personalized matchmaking service designed for compatibility, can help. Our goal at Tawkify is to place you in a relationship that allows you to be truly yourself, no qualifiers. To learn more about Tawkify, click here.
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