If you’re new to Heartalytics — Matchmaker and Somatic Psychologist, Lauren Korshak, kicked off her Secrets of a Matchmaker series at the beginning of December. If you missed Secret #1, catch up here.
Secret #6: The Simple Phrase to Combat Dissentient Thoughts
Feelings are funny things – they change, they ebb, they flow. Often in dating, we can get so caught up in our own heads that we don’t know how to check-in with our feelings. Thoughts like:
“What do my friends think?”
“Does he have enough money?”
“Is it OK that she’s blonde, when I really prefer brunettes…”
restrict us from actually getting to know someone — as we’re caught up in a heady spiral of worry and fret. External thoughts like these also interfere with present moments — distracting us from the enjoyment of the here-and-now.
How can you possibly determine whether potential partners are more than “potential,” if you can’t escape your own internal skepticism?
If left unchecked, these thoughts become a list of “shoulds” and “should nots” that inhibit us from getting in too-deep. Yes, every once in a while this could go in your favor — preventing you from future hurt as the person in question truly wasn’t a good fit. But there are two sides to this coin. These thoughts can also handicap your ability to commit, which will absolutely prevent you from getting into the relationship you most want.
Instead of following thoughts down a spiral staircase of concern and confusion, take a moment to return to the most important and basic question: How do I feel around this person? This one simple question is your roadmap. Of course, I also recommend that you “hearken your haunches,” for more on this, read: Secrets Of A Matchmaker: Secret #5.
In simple terms, I present the wise words of my mentor, Tawkify Director of Operations, Julia Armet:
“Enjoy not Endure.”
This week, take some time to follow the energy of your feelings: are you enjoying this, or are you “enduring” it? If you are in “endure” mode, you are likely not following your feelings.
Love Lesson: A Flow Chart to Follow the Energy of your Feelings
- When you notice yourself in evaluation or “endure” mode, come back to your feelings.
- A sign that you are in evaluation mode is the use of the word “should.” I “should” try to go on more dates with him, or my partner “should” treat me better. Use this word as an indicator.
- When you notice yourself in this heady place (“shoulding” on yourself), come back to your feelings by asking yourself: “Am I feeling good around this person and have they treated me well?
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If the answer is yes, stay open.
- If the answer is no, or if for ANY reason, your instinct is screaming “no! I don’t feel good around this person,” trust that and move on.
- If you feel confused, write about it, reach out to a friend whose opinion is unbiased and nonjudgmental, or talk it through with a professional.
See you next week on Secrets Of A Matchmaker: Secret #7.
Lauren Korshak
Therapist + Dating Coach + Matchmaker
