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Secrets Of A Matchmaker: Secret #7

When secure attachment is applied, we are less concerned with the minor ups-and-downs of life circumstances and relationships. In dating, it’s so easy to take things personally...

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If you’re new to Heartalytics — Matchmaker and Somatic Psychologist, Lauren Korshak, kicked off her Secrets of a Matchmaker series at the beginning of December. If you missed Secret #1, catch up here.

Secret #7: Be Non-reactive

“How we do anything is how we do everything.” – Anon

Today’s secret is to “be non-reactive.” Seems simple, right? Not always. Anon’s quote (above) aids in the application of non-reactivity and helps us get through those moments when we so desperately want to make another person’s behavior about us. 

Being non-reactive is akin to learning secure attachment.

When secure attachment is applied, we are less concerned with the minor ups-and-downs of life circumstances and relationships. In dating, it’s so easy to take things personally — i.e. when that person didn’t write you back within 24 hours or waited three days to call you (both totally normal in today’s dating culture, unfortunately). Same goes for when someone makes a judgmental remark or cuts out abruptly on a first date.

I can tell you from my extensive experience (as a matchmaker and therapist), that a person’s behavior (their delay, dismissiveness, anger, abruptness, etc) is NOT a reflection of you.  It is often not even a reflection of whether or not they are into you. That person would very likely take that long to call a matchmaker back in regards to a potential date as well — even without knowing who they might be set up or what they look like. They might be very excited to go on a date, but for whatever reason (personality style, attachment style, or something going on in their life), they just can’t get it together to do so. 

A person’s behavior is often not even reflective of who they are generally, but of the extreme stress they might be under or of their past experiences dating. In many other cases, the behavior is a reflection of them. No matter what the reason for what they are doing, they are showing up in the best way they can at that given moment.

They are giving you information about themselves, and the sooner in the dating process they give you that information, the more time they save you.

They have done you a favor. Rather than react in self-doubt and/or anger, think about how it would have been to be in a relationship with someone who acts that way on a regular basis. Practice gratitude for the fact that said person showed up in a honest way. You are clear on what you want — now you can move on and get closer to those objectives.

No matter how bad someone else’s treatment of you may have been, remember these wise words from Tawkify Director of Matchmaking Operations, Julia Armet:

“Do not internalize it.”

Love Lesson: In order to be less reactive this week, go through the following steps…

  1. Notice when you go into reactivity in a dating or relationship situation.
  2. Identify what story you are telling yourself.
  3. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and go through a list of all the other possible explanations for their behavior.
  4. Consider these all as viable options rather than remaining convinced that your original perception is correct.

See you next week on Secrets Of A Matchmaker: Secret #8.

Lauren Korshak
Therapist + Dating Coach + Matchmaker

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