Despite what its name would suggest, codependency is defined as a one-sided, warped, and compensatory style of relationship, in which a person who lacks a firm identity leans on another for support.
Because codependent symptomology develops gradually, it’s possible to slip into a codependent dynamic over time, after a healthy start. Classically the signs of codependence include: atrophying independence; affixing one’s sense of self to the relationship, instead of sources outside of it; and the slow erosion of boundaries over time, until individual autonomy becomes associated, in a codependent partner’s mind, with betrayal.
Codependency manifests in our present relationships, but its origins are developmental. Growing up under an authoritarian father or narcissistic mother, for example, may encourage an emotional craving for validation, socially and otherwise, which codependent people foist on their partner. Often but not always the outsize affirmation needs of codependency traces to low self-esteem, or past trauma.
The telltale sign of codependency is the excess reliance of one partner on another for support, of whatever kind. What begins as a good thing, such as acts of unselfish kindness, evolve and warp, until one partner’s self-esteem depends on the other’s ongoing approval. As the non-dependent partner accommodates this expanding approval need, the need deepens, and so on and so forth, in an escalating spiral. This results in the dissolution of basic norms, like taking time for yourself, that uphold healthy relationship boundaries.
As a codependent partner’s expectation of constant approval expands, communication around basic boundaries becomes vexed, and boundaries erode. That’s why codependent people often experience healthy boundaries as a threat. Instead of enjoying time away from their partner with friends, they’ll begin canceling plans to relieve their mounting separation anxiety. Instead of attributing lapses in communication to the normal course of the work day, they’ll assume the worst.
As with many features of codependency, behavior that falls within a normal spectrum, once taken to extremes, becomes problematic. As a case and point, where a healthy partner will naturally express concern for their partner’s well-being, a codependent partner will use such concerns as a means of micro-management and hyper control. This can show up in any number of ways, including isolating a partner from friends who, according to a codependent partner, don’t have our best interests at heart.
At the core of codependency is a fear of abandonment. Unbeknownst to themselves, in some cases, a set of deep-seeded fears will push codependent people into enacting their fear of abandonment even when abandonment is not at stake. They may exert control over harmless lapses in communication throughout the day, for example, as an attempt at self-reassurance. This shows up as clingy behaviors that may start out as harmless but are likely to grate on a partner’s patience over time.
Because the needs and demands of codependent relationships play out unconsciously, assessing whether we’re in one may not be a straightforward matter. So ask yourself, am I guilty of sacrificing my own needs for those of my partner’s, regularly and at the cost of personal contentment? Moreover, does my happiness ride on their approval, not intermittently in the way of healthy and happy coupledom, but all the time?
In addition to self-reflection, assess your own relationship dynamics by evaluating the signs. Do you find yourself having to rationalize seemingly daily behaviors to your partner, or worse, yourself? Are you in the position of having to constantly assuage the validation needs of a low self-esteem partner? You may even find that negative behaviors intensify according to a pattern of enabling behaviors that you are helpless to stop.
If the relationship dynamics outlined above sound familiar, there are steps you can take to identify, slow, and ultimately break free of typical codependent patterns of behavior. We delve into three of them below.
As a plus, correcting for the skewed terms of codependency starts with getting back to yourself. Recover a stable sense of self-worth by returning to activities that gave you joy, such as making art, working out, or exploring local cultural offerings, before the demands of your relationship became so totalizing.
Buzzy as they are, boundaries erect reasonable guardrails between us and the world, and are especially helpful for people-pleasing personalities, who struggle with saying no. Setting boundaries is a normal part of adulthood and, as such, shouldn’t be cause for dismay or offense. Therefore, get into the habit of informing friends, co-workers, and would-be partners at the outset of any new relationship what your boundaries are. It’s not abnormal for boundary setting, as a two-party process, to involve some level of negotiation, but it is abnormal for others to fail to respect a boundary once it’s been set.
Once validation has been narrowed to your romantic partner, an outside perspective on your relationship can be incredibly validating, even if just to affirm that you have a stable, accurate, independent perspective. Therapists offer this, as well as a background of credentialed expertise in overcoming codependency. If the prospect of working through codependency alone sounds daunting, seek out professional help, be it one-on-one or in the form of a support group.
While expecting too much support is bad, in a healthy relationships we can rely on a partner for approval, only within reason. Striking that balance should be a goal of any couple addressing codependency issues and hinges, as a rule, on maintaining one’s own identity.
Once you’ve addressed the problem of a codependent relationship, you’ll rebuild by establishing healhy boundaries founded in proactive communication, reframing boundaries as a virtue to be respect, not an affront to be taken down.
At Tawkify, we offer personalized matchmaking services for those seeking healthy relationships, based on balance and mutual respect, helping you avoid the pitfalls of one-sided, codependent relationship dynamics. If you want to date with more purpose, look into what Tawkify can offer you here.
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