Is your relationship worth saving? It’s not an easy question to ask, nor answer, but it is, of course, an important one. So let’s explore strategies to one, gather perspective on your own relationship, and two, decide whether the damage is salvageable.
Stage one of relationship repair is diagnostic. Of all your current relationship issues, what’s the root cause? When did your relationship first show signs of fraying, of breaking down? In most cases, no one crack explains the rupture, and instead the first step of assessing the damage involves sifting through trust issues, unmet needs, and breakdown in communication to gather up a sense of the underlying problem.
After diagnosing the problem, you’ll want to do the difficult work of honest self-assessment. Given the real issues ailing your relationship, what is it worth to you to rebuild in lieu of the alternative, which is to restart. With that, ask your partner to do the same. The rebuilding process begins with genuine buy-in from two cooperative, loving partners.
As a last step, be open to the possibility that knowing when to let a broken relationship go constitutes a mature and important skill, and that perseverance for its own sake is not always wise. Consult honestly with yourself about whether mending a significant break is what you want, and be open to the signs. Absent communication, ebbing desire for intimacy and connection, and the lack of a shared sense of the future are all relevant indicators here.
Although excessive fixation on any single problem can doom both the relationship itself and the repair process, mending a broken relationship begins with communication. Kick start the process, then, with a thorough reckoning, in the interest of building a shared understanding of the problem and its solution. Voicing pent-up feeling can set an important catharsis in motion, but key in all of this is listening and internalizing your partner’s input, too. This conversation will set the tone of the relationship in the future, so let it be informed by good will and love, not the desire for revenge.
Step one of the repair process, sensibly, is opening up the lines of communication. Do so in the spirit of non-judgment, and with an open mind, encouraging each other to name problems without sugar-coating on both sides. Candor as well as cooperation should characterize these initial talks.
As a second step, weigh whether the trust between you is in need of repair. What, given a breach, might help you restore missing transparency and accountability to the relationship? Discuss actionable strategies for making trust maintenance a more regular part of your habits as a couple.
Third, once you’ve established agreement over what’s wrong, set goals together. Be realistic, but not without holding yourselves accountable to simple things, like weekly check-ins, for example. Ensure a balance of healthy accountability and fun stuff to look forward to, lest rebuilding the relationship become a chore.
Lastly, view your mutual rebuilding commitment as conciliatory, undertaken to let old baggage go. The goal, ultimately, should consist in rebuilding the caring tone of the relationship, before trouble or resentment set in.
Recovering the ebbing joy of a relationship arises, in part, from disrupting the negative feedback loops that result from poor communication and unaddressed resentments, and reinforcing positive behavior with positive behavior. Where you note positive change, acknowledge the improvement. Where old problems rear up, call on a newly established practice of open communication to nip the worst outgrowths early.
Rebuilding a relationship is not all hard work! One component of mending problem areas is that, with less negative energy demanding regular attention, you and your partner can prioritize spending quality time together, away from distraction.
Along with quality time, happy relationships thrive on shared interests, big and small. As an easy weekly activity, read a favorite New York Times column aloud together, like social Q’s or The Ethicist, and discuss; or play Connections. As something to look forward to, build wedding travel out into a miniature trip, exploring a new place together.
Lastly, prioritize healthy independence and individual growth as a key component of a dynamic relationship. This will look differently for different couples, but bear in mind the simple tenet about the relationship whole, that the whole is enriched at the same time as its component parts are.
As part of taking stock of your relationship, its strengths as well as its needs going forward, consider seeking professional help. Couples counseling offers a compartmentalized time and place for touching base, as well, of course, as the perspective of outside expertise.
As with any big decision, you’ll want to shop around for the right therapist–one who is a good fit on both sides, and specializes in a modality congenial to you, your issues as a couple and therapeutic goals. There’s certainly no shame in shopping around, so to speak, and in fact most good therapists will encourage you to do so during the initial consultation.
We’ve outlined a number of useful trouble-shooting techniques above, but there are also strategies you can employ preemptively, including entering the dating pool with more discernment and intentionality in order to form fulfilling relationships. At Tawkify, we offer personalized matchmaking and dating support services, helping you create and maintain healthy, resilient relationships. Learn more about what Tawkify offers and how we can get you on a path to the right relationship here.
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