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Non-negotiables exist in every relationship, but they’re only effective if you learn to clearly define, communicate, and enforce them with your partner.
In our non-negotiables 101 guide, we’ll unpack everything you need to know about setting and maintaining healthy relationship standards. Follow along to learn how to lay the groundwork for a happy and thriving relationship.
First, let’s discuss non-negotiables and identify some common examples of them in relationships.
Non-negotiables are basically healthy relationship standards, as they refer to the wants, needs, behaviors, boundaries, and expectations you’re unwilling to compromise on in your partnership. These are the things that you prioritize and feel so strongly about that you couldn’t sustain a happy and healthy relationship without them. In other words, if your partner doesn’t respect your non-negotiables, you may have trouble continuing the relationship without feeling disrespected.
When you identify your own set of non-negotiables, it’s essential that you and your partner mutually accept them and agree to follow them.
Many different non-negotiables exist, but some of the most popular ones refer to the behaviors and boundaries that help build a strong foundation in a relationship.
For example, many couples expect mutual respect, support, trust, and commitment, while others prioritize quality time together and open communication. In other cases, a couple’s non-negotiables might involve practicing a certain religion, raising kids, achieving certain financial goals, or even wanting a healthy lifestyle.
There is no right or wrong non-negotiable; it’s simply those wants and needs that you’re unwilling to falter on.
Identifying non-negotiables with your partner can help you see eye-to-eye and establish standards in your relationship. Understanding what is important to your partner can help you meet those needs and prevent you from unintentionally crossing them.
Although defining boundaries in your relationship may sound restricting, it can mutually benefit you and your partner. Basically, boundaries create guardrails that can help protect your relationship. You can avoid crossing it when you know where your partner draws the line, which can help you build and maintain respect and trust in your relationship.
When setting boundaries in your relationship, you may decide you need some alone time in the evenings and the opportunity to catch up with your friends and family on the weekends. Or, you might decide you’re unwilling to spend every evening with your partner’s family or uncomfortable with your partner texting their ex every day.
When you and your partner clearly define and communicate your non-negotiables with each other, you can help reduce the gray area in your relationship. You don’t have to guess what the other expects or feel surprised when they’re upset by your actions.
Because you should both understand and respect each other’s priorities, you can prevent misunderstandings, which often lead to resentment and conflict in relationships.
So, how do you determine the non-negotiables in your relationship? It helps to begin by reflecting on your values and identifying your deal-breakers.
Consider how you’d like to be treated in a relationship and what’s most important to you in a partnership. Do you value open and honest relationship communication above all? Or are you focused on fostering honesty and dependability in your relationship? Do your family values and political or religious preferences play a role in your ideal relationship? And what about career aspirations and financial stability?
The answers are different for everyone, and having multiple non-negotiables is perfectly acceptable! Give yourself time to reflect on your values, journal, or even create lists to arrive at your own relationship non-negotiables.
While there may be some overlap between your relationship deal-breakers and non-negotiables, there tends to be a difference between these two preferences.
Deal-breakers are relationship breakers. These are the behaviors that you simply will not tolerate in your relationship. For instance, infidelity and substance abuse are common deal-breakers. For others, not wanting kids or not following the same religion could be grounds for a breakup.
Now, non-negotiables tend to be what you would prefer your partner to do or not do. They may require some reminding or steering in the right direction, but accepting them shouldn’t be an issue if you and your partner are on the same page. If there are slip-ups, often, you can reconvene and address the issue head-on without needing to end your relationship.
Your partner won’t magically know your non-negotiables without you clearly communicating them.
It’s best to plan a sit-down conversation, free of distractions, where you and your partner can discuss your non-negotiables. This safe space should encourage open and honest communication without judgment so you both feel confident expressing your relationship preferences.
When having this discussion, be sure to practice active listening and empathy. Give each other the space to communicate your non-negotiables without interruptions.
Don’t be shy! This is your time to lay the groundwork for your relationship.
Be clear and assertive when explaining your non-negotiables. Provide examples or scenarios to help your partner understand your wants and needs, and encourage them to ask questions to ensure they comprehend.
Again, this should be a judgment-free space. Focus on fostering an atmosphere where you both feel comfortable expressing your feelings and explaining your expectations and boundaries. It’s essential for you both to practice mutual understanding and respect to support each other and work toward strengthening your bond.
Even if you have an in-depth conversation about setting boundaries in your relationship, you may need to continue enforcing relationship boundaries until your partner fully grasps them.
Look, sometimes people slip up, and we must remember to come from a place of compassion. If your partner violated one of your non-negotiables, it definitely warrants a discussion.
Dedicate a time when you can discuss the issue with your partner to determine the circumstance of the violation. Was it done in malice? Or was it accidental or unintentional? Try to see the situation from your partner’s perspective, and then determine if there are ways you can overcome the violation and prevent it from happening again.
During this discussion, reiterate your non-negotiables and be sure that your partner understands your boundaries and expectations and knows how to respect them in the future.
You’ve already determined the importance of your boundaries, so it’s only fair that your partner honors them. If you’re in a healthy relationship and have set reasonable boundaries, then you should continue to uphold and stay true to them.
If your partner continues to violate your boundaries, then the problem is not you but rather your partner.
We all make mistakes, but if your partner constantly disregards your non-negotiables, it may be time to walk away. At this stage, it’s simply a sign of disrespect, and you deserve better than that. There’s no sense in staying with someone if they’re unwilling to compromise and honor your values.
At Tawkify, it’s our mission to find compatible matches that align with your goals, preferences, and non-negotiables.
Our professional Tawkify matchmakers intently listen to your wants, needs, standards, and boundaries because we understand how important those factors are in finding a suitable match and maintaining a healthy relationship. We then browse our database of relationship-ready singles, screen candidates, and only introduce you to the ones that best suit your values and ideals. It’s our mission to help you find someone who values and respects you and your non-negotiables.
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