Secrets Of A Matchmaker: Secret #3

Secret #3 is here just in time for the Holiday weekend!

If you’re new to Heartalytics — Matchmaker and Somatic Psychologist, Lauren Korshak, kicked off her Secrets of a Matchmaker series at the beginning of December. If you missed Secret #1, catch up here.

Secret #3: The Power of Self Reflection

The holidays are a wonderful time for self-reflection. Yes, stress levels may be higher — but as the intensity, joy of family and the daily demands increase, we can also shift our attention to what’s important in our lives. It’s a good time to reflect on who we are in relationships, what our values are, and what we value in others.

Self reflection is often overlooked in favor of more exciting, actionable steps. But — as a therapist, I can tell you that reflection is essential to get where one wants to be. To provide a tangible example: the best strategy to calm down someone experiencing a panic attack, is to have them focus on the out-breath.

So, amidst the hustle and bustle of the season, take time to focus on your out-breath. The rhythm of winter is actually much slower than the fast-pace of the holiday push — with it’s shorter days and colder weather. It’s a great time for singles to take inventory of what’s important to them (this goes for people in relationships as well, but that’s for another column).

That’s why the holidays are an ideal time to do for yourself what matchmakers help their clients do – refine your priorities…

…and I’m not talking about making an extensive list of what you’re looking for, and making sure every potential match meets the whole list. While list-making is a tempting thing to do (and at times a useful thing to do), it’s also very distracting. Is it even possible to keep that much data in mind as you scan all the dating sites, prowl every club, bar, holiday party, and/or coffee shop?

Dating should be fun! Be present in your heart so you can actually meet the person you want to be with. If you’re sitting across from a potential match dishing out judgment, ticking off each quality on your list on a 1 to 10 scale, you’re not leaving room to get to know them.

Utilize the holiday season to truly mine your heart for your top three priorities and deal breakers. This forces clarity and simplicity.

When you meet someone new, determine if they meet your essential like priorities. Ask yourself, “are my top 3 priorities realized?” See if this process helps you feel more confident in those priorities. If so, great! If not, perhaps it’s time to revise them.

And now we get to the beauty of this strategy. If you’re confident in your top 3 priorities (and deal breakers) and a potential match doesn’t satisfy them, your decision is made for you — move on. For example: you want kids, and your match is pretty sure they don’t — move on.  (More help on how to do this “moving on” part to come in next week’s column.)

Remember, having someone in your life is great, but having the right person is long lasting.

Love Lesson: After reading this post, take some time to write out what you’re looking for. Then, closing your eyes with the piece of paper in front of you, ask yourself for your top three priorities, and write these down. Repeat this process for your deal breakers. As you are out there dating this month, keep your top 3 priorities and deal breakers in mind. Focus, self reflect, and find success.

See you next week on Secrets Of A Matchmaker: Secret #4.

Lauren Korshak
Therapist + Dating Coach + Matchmaker