As the name would suggest, one-sided relationships often skew to the wants, needs, and, ultimately, the will power of one in a two-person relationship. Sustainable for a time, eventually the regular expectation of accommodating to another’s needs, in the absence of reciprocity, wears on the more giving partner. Meanwhile, the taker in the relationship grows blind to the uneven dynamic, and slowly accepts as given that their every whim deserves priority status, while their partner acclimates to a diet of unmet needs. Below we look at how to understand and spot the red flags associated with one-sided relationships before they worsen.
In part little more than what they sound like, one-sided relationships lose sight of that core relationship value, reciprocity, as a result of one partner’s expansionist set of needs and demands. Once they go unchecked, the outsize need can metastasise, up to exploiting the willingness of a generous partner. Note, though, that the problem is twofold, consisting of one partner’s selfishness, and the other’s capitulation and enabling behavior, in turn.
Relationship imbalances evade easy detection, in part because they rarely stay still; instead they rely on gradual progression to go undetected, until arriving at an advanced stage. One contributing component of imbalance is therefore confrontation avoidance. A people pleasing personality, accommodating by default, will rush to make a partner happy, even at the expense of personal happiness. This doesn’t put a giving partner at fault, but it does mean that vigilance against widening imbalance falls on two people, not one.
Somewhat paradoxically, diagnosing relationship issues can be easier from the outside, as we tend to adjust quickly and unconsciously to the givens of our own life circumstances. This makes taking stock of your own relationship tricky. One key indicator your relationship may be skewed one-directionally is emotional investment, which refers to the expenditure of care and concern for both a partner and the relationship as a whole. Naturally, someone who is serious about a relationship wants to see their investment reflected in their partner’s investment.
Even in a stable, contented, long-term relationship, we still appreciate small signs of care, such as initiating contact. This could be literal, as in physical touch, or non-physical, as in initiating contact via regular check-ins. The point is that being the lone initiator in a one-sided relationship dynamic is taxing. In the case of a partner disinclined to initiate, ask them to step up, but also ask yourself why that might be.
It’s no secret that the upsides of a relationship reflect effort exerted behind the scenes, and this is a good thing. Understood from a psychological perspective, investing time and energy reflects the fact of our commitment back to us, not to mention our partners. We know we’re bought in, in other words, based on the effort we expend, and vice versa. Likewise, a partnership based on asymmetrical effort tends to run out of steam, relying as it does on one-sided commitment in place of a two.
When we part with our singledom, effectively we part with our freedom in an absolute sense. The perks of commitment, we can say, incur a reverse set of obligations, compromise, and sacrifice. Many are surprised to find that, contrary to expectations, they find joy in a decision-making calculus driven less by their own personal selfishness and more by a set of relationship goals they share with a partner. Others, though, while expecting their partners to sacrifice, fail to make sacrifices of their own. This latter scenario is a clearcut symptom of a disproportionate relationship.
One-sidedness suggests a zero sum game, though in reality, the outcome for any one-sided dynamic is lose-lose. For one, being the lone giver imposes a heavy emotional tax, and two, over time taking without giving can encourage a slide into complacency. A person who fails to recognize and respect a generous partner fails to respect the relationship in its entirety.
No one wants to give more than they get. This rule applies universally, including to relationships. An over-invested partner will begin to feel used, hurt, and under-appreciated, as they should. As rational actors, even the energy we spend for the sake of a loving relationship ought to have limits, and ought to protect itself by reciprocity. As the less-invested party, ask yourself, how can you respect a partner blatantly more invested in the relationship than you are?
As a first step to problem resolution, once you detect a one-sided dynamic, raise it with your partner. Do so in a non-accusatory tone, but be able to name instances and evidence of one-sided behavior, along with corresponding changes you might adopt. Especially during an initial talk, prepare to hear your partner out. You can always return to the issue once it’s been broached, but you can’t undo the spirit of that initial conversation.
A good approach at the outset is to introduce concrete, mutually agreed-upon boundaries that will serve as guardrails against disproportionate expectations. As an example, maybe you’d like to experiment with splitting costs down the middle, as a correction to what you see as a complacent expectation around one-sided expenses. Try starting small with a “trial period,” in which you split grocery costs for a month, say. Set a progress review for halfway through the month, and share your impressions of the new status quo.
Although a quid pro quo can feel transactional, offering an exchange of favors can also reinforce a spirit of mutuality. Consider what you want to offset a skewed relationship, and what you’d offer for it, in return. As you begin negotiating the terms of a one-sided relationship one way to show your willingness would be to name what unmet need of yours you’d like to see addressed, while asking your partner to share a need of theirs you can better meet.
Not all relationships are salvageable, sadly. Token shows of effort can reverse an ingrained pattern of one-sided complacency, on the one hand, and discontentment, on the other. Sometimes, it’s true that a flawed dynamic undercuts self-respect on both sides of the relationship, even for the supposed beneficiary of a one-sided dynamic. When that’s the case, it’s time to recognize what each partner needs for individual growth, and walk away.
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